The raw, uncut version.

*sigh*

Three months have gone by since I've last posted. And there are no excuses for not posting more frequently. It's late, and I'm tired. But I also need to get thoughts down on paper, and I can't keep hiding behind being busy. Knowing that, here's a raw, uncut blog post. In other words, you're about to read a blog post I'm writing as I go, and I'm not going to go back and edit/proof it before hitting publish (update - I lied. I'm doing one quick overview to make sure I didn't misspell a word. It stresses me out when I see misspelled words). So give me some grace with run-on sentences and fragmented thoughts. My brain functions in much the same way so in a sense, here's a peek into my brain (promise I won't be too scary!).

It's been a rough week and if we're friends on Facebook, you saw my post last Friday about the latest news on the adoption front.

A new process, called PAIR (Pre-Adoptive Immigration Review), is going into effect for Ethiopia Sept. 1. I'm not going to get into all the specifics, for I'm sure I'd speak incorrectly on some level as to all the details, but from what I understand, the U.S. Embassy is now adding an additional level of clearances for children going through adoptions. These children will be pre-screened for orphan status BEFORE families go to court in Ethiopia (a process that used to take place in between court and Embassy). On the surface it sounds simple, and I absolutely agree in ethical adoptions taking place, which means confirming that these kids are indeed orphans. But changing this review is going to add a significant amount of time between accepting a referral and traveling home with your child. And not only that, but referrals have slowed down to a trickle these past few months.

When we announced we were adopting last Father's Day (for a flashback from a year ago, check out that post HERE), the wait time was 18-24 months. The times have steadily increased, and we're being told to add a half a month on for every month we wait. If I were to throw a random wait time out at this point, I would say five years. Yes, five. And it could increase (at this point, if I were to bet, I would say that the odds are very likely that it will increase). Every time I think about the timing I get slightly sick to my stomach, and I wonder how in the world we're going to get through the wait. This is hard. Much harder than I ever anticipated. The idea of bringing home our son feels like it's growing fainter and fainter, and it's hard to imagine what that will even be like and when it will take place.

I'm not going to lie, many tears have been shed over this past week. My emotions are hanging on by a thread. At home, in the car, at a restaurant, at Bible Study tonight (sorry ladies), over the phone...just when I think I have my emotions under control, I lose it all over again. It's difficult trying to describe my feelings. My jumbled prayers to God range from begging for peace in my heart, to showing me the way, to giving me an answer as to what we should do... it's like I don't even know what to pray for anymore.

I don't know where to go from here

It all used to seem so clear, I'm finding I can't do this on my own

I don't know where to go from here

As long as I know that You are near

I'm done fighting, I'm finally letting go

And yet....and yet.... He is giving me what I need, just when I need it. Almost every single song I've heard on the radio this week is the exact message I need to hear to make it to the next moment. When I feel despair, He gives me hope. And He is giving me a TON of grace and mercy.

I will trust in You, You've never failed before

I will trust in You

If there's a road I should walk help me find it, 

If I need to be still, give me peace for the moment

Whatever Your will, whatever Your will, can You help me find it?

I read a few different daily devotionals over the course of each day and every day this week at least one of them (sometimes more than one within the day) give me exactly what I need. I've asked God to just take care of the details, and point me in the direction He wants us to go. When I feel like I need to hold it together in my prayers, I'm reminded that He wants us to spill our guts, confess our fears and cry out to Him. So I am continuing to attempt giving up control over the situation.

I'm giving You fear and You give faith

I'm giving You doubt, You give me grace

For every step I've never been alone

Even when it hurts You'll have your way

Even in the valley I will say

With every breath, You've never let me go

At the center of this story being woven together, there is a child who I believe will one day be a part of our family. I don't know how, where or when, but I'm trying to embrace these circumstances and give my tears to God. I am not self-reliant anymore. I'm not that person who can hold it all together all the time. I am asking God to put to good use whatever it is His will is for our family. And I pray for courage that when He says the time has come for us to step up and claim our child, that we can boldly do so, no matter the circumstances. 

I will wait for you

You've never failed before

I will wait for you

My five-year-old's prayer before dinner tonight was unbelievable. I can't remember the exact wording, but it was something to the effect of, "God, please watch over Micah. We are ready to come and get him, but we know we have to wait until You tell us to do so."

May I have her faith.

Blessings,

Courtney

Help Me Find It

Sidewalk Prophets